Two months ago, I arrived back in the UK after a year working and travelling around Australia. I never did the typical ‘gap yaaah’ after my A-Levels like a lot of my friends, and it was an experience I always felt I had missed out on.
Instagram is saturated with images of young, tanned twenty-somethings frolicking on a flawlessly white sandy beach, or snorkelling in The Great Barrier Reef. How could I not be tempted? So, a few years after graduating from university, I bought a one-way ticket to Australia.
Whilst I had some truly special experiences and met some amazing people, the reality was that my year wasn’t what social media told me it would be. I am writing this to remind people that it’s okay if your gap year experience didn’t pan out the way you wanted it to. Mine didn’t, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it.
You take yourself wherever you go
I had put moving to Australia on such a pedestal in my head, whether I realised it or not at the time, and therefore I was hoping it would solve all my problems. But about a month or two in, I had a very confronting revelation. The common denominator in my life is myself. Travelling is really good at showing you how much is your environment, and how much is yourself.
In the second half of my year, my anxiety reached new levels. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life, but what stung the most was that Australia was advertised to me as a special anxiety-free haven. Who cares if I am on the brink of despair at home? It’s just another day in my life, except this wasn’t life. No no, this was my gap year! ‘If I can’t be happy here, how can I be happy anywhere?’ I remember thinking.
After gaining some much needed perspective since moving back home, I see now that no external place or thing can cure you from yourself.
I feel empowered by this new insight about myself, as it means I can stop putting pressure on the outside world to fix my mental health for me. I can be just as happy sitting on a sandy beach thousands of miles away, as I can be in my hometown watching Friends on repeat.
Every experience is valuable, even the bad ones
It’s easy to think in all or nothing terms when things are not going to plan. There were moments when I thought the whole year was a waste.
It is precisely on those low days, or even weeks and months, that you are truly put to the test. I am genuinely proud of my resilience during the lonely moments, or during one of my daily quarter-life crises. I turned 25 during that year, and the existential spirals were so much harder without the physical presence of loved ones.
I also learnt what I don’t like, which is arguably just as important as knowing what you do like. It’s easy to reflect on the negative moments of your travel experience and wish it turned out differently, but now you’ve gained more data about yourself! This data is life experience, and is what will help you make even better and wiser decisions in the future.
Give yourself grace
It’s not your fault if you can’t make it work. I remember scrolling on Instagram, and continually comparing my experience to other people’s. All those big booming smiles and hoards of newly made life-long friends served as a constant reminder of what my year was lacking. But then I realised that not only is social media extremely inauthentic, it’s not necessarily a reflection on you.
Years ago I stumbled upon a quote that resonated with me deeply during this time. The universe will never give you peace somewhere you’re not supposed to settle in. I think as much as I tried to live my best life, it was like jamming a round peg in a very square hole.
But that’s okay, and you aren’t a failure if ideas don’t work out. This past year I have learnt to reframe ‘failure’ as yet another interesting footnote in the bigger story of my life. If every single experience went exactly to plan, everything would be painfully predictable and boring.
I thrive most within a close-knit community
With the exception of a few special people, I struggled to deeply connect with anyone like I did back in the UK. I felt this continual disconnect and awkwardness whenever I would meet a potential new friend, and I definitely believe the decline in my mental health was due to a lack of community.
Moving to the other side of the world opens you up to a whole new pool of people. However, it can sometimes be hard to deeply connect with even one of them for many reasons outside of your control.
Without a strong community, Australia felt like all work and no play. I was doing similar jobs but without the social life outside of work to recharge my batteries.
Home is where the heart is
This final lesson should come as no surprise. In an ironic turn of events, as my gap year came to a close, I started to pedestalize and dream about home in the same way I had done for Australia.
I realised how much I loved the UK. Just knowing family and friends were less than an hour away brought me so much comfort. Perhaps I really did find myself after all. I just found myself where I had been all along.
I don’t thrive in 40 degree heat, and actually love the cosiness of British rain pelting against my window as I fall asleep at night.
Realising that you’re actually happier at home can be a tough pill to swallow. But only you can know where you’re supposed to be, and where you feel most yourself. A gap year affords you this knowledge about yourself.
Finding out that I’m more of a homebird than I ever knew has been surprising, but also lovely. I now look at all the old familiar places with new eyes of wonderment and appreciation.
Words by Marie Goodwin
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